How To Say “No” And Start Setting Better Boundaries
And the 3-ruled systematic process I use to figure out when I should
No one likes to say no. We’re afraid of losing important opportunities, missing out on a positive experience, and letting people down.
It almost feels wrong.
There’s something viscerally uncomfortable that rises up in most of us when we have to turn people, and seemingly good opportunities, down. In situations where we’re faced with decisions to be made, we often say yes out of fear, or avoid saying no because of the same problem.
Some of the fears we run into when deciding between “yes” and “no” include the following:
- What if this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity I’m supposed to accept?
- What if something like this doesn’t come along again?
- What if people are mad at me?
But in order to be successful and happy people, we have to step away from these what-ifs.
Maybe we should ask some different questions.
What if what you would do instead is better? What if you’re already exactly where you need to be and the grass isn’t greener on the other side? What if you have enough on your plate right now? What if that opportunity isn’t as good as it seems?
“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” — Josh Billings
It’s often been said that for every no — there’s a yes that you’re saying to something else.
And I think that’s exactly right. Recently, I’ve had to say yes and no to some large things. These haven’t been easy decisions, and have really made me refine my framework for deciding what I should and shouldn’t say yes to.
Included below are some of the questions and tasks I give myself when trying to make these difficult decisions and decide where I need to be and what I need to be doing.
“Here’s my point: the solution to an overbusy life is not more time. It’s to slow down and simplify our lives around what really matters.” ― John Mark Comer, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry: How to stay emotionally healthy and spiritually alive in the chaos of the modern world
Living a life of confident and regular “no’s” is incredibly countercultural and difficult.
This won’t come easily, and you’ll run into a lot of difficult conversations and tough decisions. But it’s worth it if you get to live your dream life and live the way you want to live.
Now, into the guide for deciding to say no and how to do so…
A good question to ask yourself: How will I feel if/when I see someone related to this event/opportunity later?
An important consideration when saying no to something is how will you feel when dealing with the consequences of it later.
Visualize yourself in the future in a situation where you have to see people who know you rejected going to this event or taking on that commitment/opportunity. Imagine facing the people who are directly affected by your rejection.
That girl you had to say no to rooming with, that person you had to turn down the date with, the person you had to say no for a job to, how will you feel when you see them later?
“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage pleasantly, smilingly, and non-apologetically — to say “no” to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger yes burning inside.” — Stephen Covey
If you can imagine yourself walking past the person with a hint of remorse but largely a feeling of pride for the decisions you’ve made, then I would firmly recommend saying no.
This part of the process is all about imagining a future you. If in the future you’ll believe that you acted within your integrity in values in saying “no”, you’ll be able to deal with the ramifications and interpersonal fallout of your actions. It won’t be easy necessarily, but you’ll survive.
Don’t forget to truly believe in your “no”.
Stand behind your boundaries and your values — confident that you’re making time for what’s important and taking care of yourself.
You should take pride in such a practice and the ability to know yourself and how you should spend your time and effort.
When faced with situations where you need to reject something, know your why — whether that be a simple or a long narrative explanation of your decision-making process.
Have a foundation you believe in, and everything else will fall into place. You’ll be able to sustain any criticism or shock from the people around you if you are settled in your decision and reasoning.
Make a simple pros and cons list for an opportunity, if relevant.
If you can’t think of a single real con, then it’s probably something you should go for if that’s a commitment that fits well into your schedule and set of other commitments.
On the contrary, some otherwise incredible events are worth saying “no” to if you can think of a significant amount of reasons why.
For me, one of the biggest cons that can turn me away from an event is having to miss important family time.
Sure, that would be a trip of a lifetime — but if I miss seeing my mom for the weekend, or missing my brother’s big game, I’m out. Family comes first for me, and I can live with that.
If you know what you value, it will help you filter through the pros and cons more effectively. While this should ultimately be an intuitive and emotion-based decision, it can’t hurt to get organized, and write out why you should and shouldn’t say yes to something.
In the end, make sure you know what you value, what your non-negotiables are, and that you’re taking the time to figure out whether the cons are worth suffering through and whether the pros are really something you need. Oftentimes I’ll decide what something isn’t for me when I realize all of the pros that it offers are something I already have in other areas of my life.
Maybe you don’t need this opportunity as much as you think you do — which is a rarer experience for people than you may realize. Take inventory of the opportunities, resources, and fulfillment you already have, and you might just save yourself some time, energy, and money in the process of declining something new.
Decide what your anxiety is trying to tell you.
When you’re anxious about something, don’t necessarily take that as a time to push through. Sometimes your anxiety is trying to tell you something. Let it speak to you. It’s a good indicator, and something you should definitely pay attention to.
I have, as my therapist and I have decided to call it, a “sign-up sheet addiction.” What does that mean, you might ask? Well, it’s really just like it sounds. Whenever I see a signup sheet, of any form, I compulsively have to put my name down.
It doesn’t matter if it’s through an email, on a bulletin board, or through a link on Instagram. When I find out about something new, there’s some voice in the back of my mind telling me I have to sign up or at least try it out.
“Not every opportunity it meant to be my assignment.” — Lysa Terkeurst
While part of this is my ADHD and impulsive nature talking as I hunt constantly for the greener grass on the other side, there’s an anxious part of me too that feels the need to constantly look for something new. What if I’m behind? What if this opportunity will change my life? What am I missing out on?
It’s a blown-out-of-proportion example of the “fear of missing out” phenomenon people often use in reference to social gatherings.
REMINDER: Just because you should have said no sooner/in the first place doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still say “no” now.
I’ve often struggled with the fallacy of sunken costs — where you feel compelled to stay in a situation that isn’t worth it anymore solely because of how much effort you’ve put in.
“It’s only by saying NO that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” — Steve Jobs
Recently I had to say no to an opportunity where it would cost me the same amount of money to quit as it would in order to stay. But the emotional burden relieved by getting out of it was worth it and freed up many days of my life to do what I wanted to do and spend time in.
Just because you’ve spent a lot of time and effort in something doesn’t mean that it’s worth doing and staying committed to. “No” can come late. Sure, it’s going to be more uncomfortable and unfortunate, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t important or something you should stay roped into.
Ask yourself, do you have the bandwidth to make this opportunity all it could be? There are some things, as unfortunate as it may be, that could have been yes’s in another lifetime but can’t in your current reality because of constraints you couldn’t have anticipated.
Maybe that birthday party for a friend would be an incredible thing — but you’re too tired and strung out on busyness to make it happen. Some things we have to let go of, vowing to prepare better for next time. And that’s totally okay and a normal part of the human experience.
When appropriate, don’t leave room for discussion.
If this is something you feel good about doing and saying “no” to, then just end the conversation. Say “no”, give a polite but short reason why, and move on your merry way.
If this is something that’s truly a negotiation that you could be convinced to say “yes” to in a new way, then say that. Clarify (and state out loud to appropriate parties) what could make this a “yes” situation for you. If those criteria can’t be met, stick with your “no”.
I recently had a situation where I used this negotiation tactic with myself. I decided that an event would be worth flying to and attending if the XYZ thing could happen. Once I confirmed that that was not available and it wasn’t going to happen, I decided to say no and was able to feel good about that decision and proud of myself for making it.
Know your values and what matters to you.
Obviously, this looks a little different for every person, but I’ll go ahead and tell you what some of my standards are for what I say yes to:
- Am I invited/explicitly chosen as a guest?
- Is this worth the money/time/effort it would take to attend/be part?
- Did I agree to this thing/was I inclined to agree in a moment of desperation?
- Is this a once-in-a-lifetime event or something I could go to next year/next time?
- What will I be missing out on if I say “yes” to this thing? (Think about what else will be happening during that time, or the routines, habits, and relationships that might be paused or hindered by this potential “yes”)
- Is this something that I can easily get out of if I realize it was a poor choice later? (This has become an important tenet of a good faith yes for me — if I know it’s something I can back out of without great harm to myself or others, I’m more inclined to give a tentative yes and try it out.)
“What you don’t do determines what you can do.” — Tim Ferriss
There will be people who won’t take “no” for an answer. That doesn’t mean you can’t give it and walk away. We live in a world of constant connectivity, over-commitment, and waning boundaries about where our time can be expected to be spent. Don’t let other people or a swarm of commitments take over your life.
The truth is, if you’re overcommitted, then nothing in your life gets a resounding “yes”. That means you’re running around like a chicken with your head cut off, unable to fully lean into anything you’re doing. Everyone suffers — chiefly you — in a situation like that.
It doesn’t matter if I’m volunteering for ten non-profits, being President of five campus organizations, and working two separate jobs, and can’t commit any good time to any of those things.
It’s much better to have a few big commitments that you can truly lean into. The people who are able to do that are the ones who actually move the needle in the world — doing important work while not losing their minds, their values, or their mental health and relationships in the process.
“NO is a complete sentence. It does not require an explanation to follow. You can truly answer someone’s request with a simple No.” — Sharon E. Rainey
My three rules of “no”:
Rule 1: Be polite, courteous, and grateful
There’s no reason, when you’re saying no to something, to be rude about it. I’ve found that most things go over pretty well when you are kind, polite, and clear. Express gratitude for the opportunity being offered, for you being asked, and for it being made available to you, while humbly explaining in as little or much detail as you want how you don’t have the bandwidth, space, or immediate desire for such an opportunity.
I’ll also add here, that doesn’t give false hope. Don’t give a half “yes” if it should be a clear “no”. This falls under being courteous. Let the person know that they need to move on. Thank them for their offer, and let them know that you are in fact declining it.
This happens all of the time when someone asks another person out and the recipient of the invitation declines but in a sort of halfway where they’re trying to reject the person gently.
That person sees the half rejection as a glimmer of hope, and they persist, against the wishes of their wanted love. Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t play hard to get. Be kind, communicative, and absolute in your rejection — while being the epitome of grateful and appreciative to the person offering you whatever it is that’s being offered.
Rule 2: Don’t make the person feel bad for asking for your time
There are certain phrases that people often recommend for “no” conversations that really rub me the wrong way. My main issue with them usually has something to do with the way the phrasing makes the inviter/asker feel bad, or could potentially do so. Don’t live your life as if people shouldn’t dare ask of your time
The more positive they leave the conversation feeling, the less resentment or irritation they’ll have toward you about not being available/having to say no. Other people’s feelings are not your responsibility in the end, but that doesn’t mean you can make a good effort to leave the conversation amicably. Hopefully, with clear and courteous communication they’ll see you in such a positive light that they’ll trust your vague reasoning and rejection without much issue. That’s been my general experience and I bet it could be yours as well.
Many a time in my life I’ve resented people for asking me to do something. Really, my frustration had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me not feeling like I was standing within my boundaries and protecting time that was important to me.
Once I realized that I was in control of my schedule, my energy, and my time, I stopped being as resentful of people who invited me to interesting events or asked me to commit to certain things.
Rule 3: Stand behind your no
Don’t say no and then still try to say yes. Conversely, don’t say “yes” if what you really mean is “no”. This causes more issues and provides a lack of clarity both for you and for the other party and doesn’t help anyone.
As soon as you can, let them know whether you’re available or not. And if you say “yes” and then later realize that the answer is “no”, communicate that clearly, effectively, and as soon as you can so other arrangements can be made as needed.
“Learn the art of saying no. Don’t lie. Don’t make excuses, don’t over-explain yourself. Just simply decline.” — Unknown
No one who truly loves you and is looking out for your well-being will ever give you hate for saying no to something. And if a close friend starts teasing you about stepping away from something and taking time for yourself, talk to them about how that kind of rhetoric and language hurts you, and if that doesn’t work, walk away from that friend.
People who expect us to stretch ourselves thin and live our lives with no bandwidth are not the people who really love us.
Some good ways to say “no”:
- Thank you so much for considering me! Unfortunately, I have already made alternate plans that I’m really excited about, and won’t be available.
- That sounds like a great opportunity! I wish I was free that day.
- I actually have a lot on my plate right now and won’t be able to set aside the proper amount of time to do this job well. Thank you so much for thinking of me, though, and best of luck in finding someone to fill the position!
- That is a great idea! I don’t have time to help you with it right now, but I know there are some people that you can reach out to about it. Let me know if you want a list of names/their contact information. Happy to help in that way since I’m not available to actually be there.
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” — Anna Taylor
These are great ways to communicate a “no” because they’re polite and appreciative, without being people-pleasing. You’re not trying to negotiate a half-yes, you’re instead
Clear communication is kind communication. Don’t give them hope that you might be able to attend or play a role if you know in your heart of hearts that you can’t/don’t want to.
Some really good ways to communicate a later “no”:
Sometimes, we get into a situation that we know we need to get out of. I’m going to choose to be honest before I knew how to intuit what was and wasn’t for me, I struggled a lot with this — and still do at times. Oftentimes I’ll look up and realize I’ve been roped into something for weeks or months that I can’t really commit to, that I won’t enjoy, and don’t need in my life.
That, I can say from a lot of experience, is a tough place to be.
In these situations, you have to do your best to be kind while also stepping away as soon as you realize you need to. If at all possible, use some variation of the phrases below:
- Apologies for the inconvenience, but after further consideration and looking over my schedule and other commitments during this time, I will no longer be available for [insert event or project here.]
- I have actually realized that my circumstances have changed drastically since I originally said yes, and I don’t think it is in my or your best interest for me to continue. I don’t have the bandwidth or resources anymore to commit the time and energy to this that I would need to succeed. Let me know if I can assist in any way in filling my role.
In whatever way you can, firmly state that you’re stepping away from the opportunity, position, event, etc., but offer whatever support you can and as much of an explanation as you feel comfortable with. I’ve found that “due to unforeseen circumstances” and “personal reasons” are phrases with meaning and significance that can convey your situation without giving too many details or room for argument, discussion, negotiation, etc.
If you have any more phrases that you’ve found work well, feel free to comment below!
When you should say yes:
It would be poor form for me to tell you all about saying no without giving you some ideas of what you should say “hell yes” to. And again, this list will look different for every person, but I want to give you some good ideas.
- When it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity — your niece or nephew’s graduation might be a less-than-ideal event to spend your Saturday at, but it only happens once, they’ll probably appreciate you being there, and you’ll get to see some family members in the process and cheer some 18-year-olds on as they enter their next chapter
- When the pros outweigh the cons in your eyes
- If you originally agreed/were inclined to say yes in a moment of confidence and growth — stick to that yes even in times of tiredness and worry, if you believed in yourself when you originally committed
- When there’s a chance of incredible results — what if you win? What if you get a shout-out? What if you could meet Taylor Swift? What if you could meet the love of your life? If these things seem possible — say yes! Especially if there’s not much you’re losing in the process.
- If there isn’t anything to lose
- If you think you’ll regret not going/saying yes later — there’s nothing worse than looking back and wishing you’d said yes to something you hadn’t. If you think you’ll be embarrassed, sad, or disappointed in a no later on, then say yes and take the risk.
At the end of the day, a systematic process can only take you so far. Deciding how to spend the hours of your precious life comes down to you and your gut, as Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS would say.
We are limitless people — and oftentimes struggle to be humble enough to realize that. You cannot be all things to all people. You can’t be everywhere at all times. You can’t help everyone. And that’s completely okay. No one in their right mind is expecting you to.
What’s great about boundary-setting is that once you do it, you’ll empower the other people in your life to do it. You’ll be able to model living in your values to the people around you, creating your own microsystem of people who know when they should spend time in one area and when they should say a polite but confident “no.” And that, personally, is a community I want to be a part of.
