5 Self-Actualizing Lessons I’ve Gained From Over Three Years In Therapy
A few beautiful truths that transformed my life for the better
This year marks my third year of seeing a therapist. I can say with great confidence that I wouldn’t be who I am today if not for the work that my therapist and I have been able to do in so many months.
I have learned so much about myself, the world, the way I show up, and how to be both a blessing to those around me and someone I can live with myself.
And I’m no gatekeeper of truth, light, and goodness, so I want to share a few key lessons that I’ve learned that I believe everyone should have access to:
#1: Don’t “should” all over yourself
When I first heard this phrase, I was hooked. I knew I needed it, and found it funny enough to stay in my memory well after I’d learned it. We should all over ourselves all of the time.
“I should have done this”, “I should have said that”, “I should have known”. All day every day we dwell on what could and should’ve been, oftentimes highlighting our own mistakes, shortcomings, and what we “should” have been aware of.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” — Reinhold Niebuhr
The saying “hindsight is 20/20” comes alive in this lesson.
Just because it seems clear in retrospect didn’t mean it was clear at the moment.
In every circumstance, you were operating with as much info and insight, and strength as you had at the time. Don’t swell too long on what “should” have been done.
#2: You have parts you should get to know
In the early 1980s, a man by the name of Dr. Richard Schwartz stumbled across an interesting phenomenon that he was witnessing among his patients while he was working as a mental health practitioner.
In his patient’s dialogues in therapy, he started to notice a trend of different “parts” of these individuals.
“I just don’t know what came over me! It’s like I wasn’t even myself.” Whether that type of language comes up in minor or major situations in your life, Dr. Schwartz would argue that you’re alluding to the presence of “parts” in your mind.
These parts, according to his theory, are distinct characters that serve different roles in your psyche that are different from your most true and authentic Self.
“A part is not just a temporary emotional state or habitual thought pattern. Instead, it is a discrete and autonomous mental system that has an idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, set of abilities, desires, and view of the world.
In other words, it is as if we each contain a society of people, each of whom is at a different age and has different interests, talents, and temperaments.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, Internal Family Systems Therapy
Our parts guide us through our lives and inform our experiences and decisions.
When my therapist and I started working with the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, I was amazed to realize how helpful it was to realize how many mini-me’s I had running around in my mind.
The therapy work becomes important when it aids you in listening to those parts, noticing them, and thanking them for their help while you try and get back to your Self.
#3: Your protecting parts have good intentions
No part of you is trying to self-destruct, at least not with good reason. Every part is trying to protect, guard, or serve you in some way.
However, they can obviously become misguided and disillusioned in that effort, which is why you have to step back into the situation as your true Self and take mastery over the parts to make the best and most wholehearted decision possible.
“Your protectors’ goals for your life revolve around keeping you away from all that pain, shame, loneliness, and fear, and they use a wide array of tools to meet those goals — achievements, substances, food, entertainment, shopping, sex, obsession with your appearance, caretaking, meditation, money, and so on.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
All of those parts that you have in your mind? Your protectors and firefighters and exiles? Even though it’s hard to believe, all of them have good intentions.
Every part of you deserves to be recognized and heard for the role that it’s trying to play in your survival.
But the goal should always be to kick decisions and processing of what’s happening in your life back up to your true Self to get the job done the most wholeheartedly.
#4: Sometimes the things you want to avoid the most are the things you most need to pay attention to
I know, it sucks. We want to stash away our pain and hurt and never let it see the light of day. But whether you can see it immediately or not, those stashed away fears, wounds, and insecurities are actually really easy for the people around you to see.
We’re pretty intelligent creatures and can intuit out the emotional undercurrents of the people around us.
Even those who don’t know you well can usually look at you in certain situations and are able to tell that you don’t have everything together or are really struggling in some way.
That’s not to say you should fix yourself up to be more comfortable for them — I’m saying that other people can see your pain, even when you won’t acknowledge it.
“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us.” — David Richo
Just imagine what life could look like where you’re leaning in and getting help for the things that hurt the most.
Sure, it will be ridiculously vulnerable and hard at times, but both you, those around you, and your various commitments will all benefit from the better and more wholehearted person that you’ll be able to become.
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them — we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” — Brené Brown
#5: Hard work pays off
This all goes back to what I said at the onset of this piece. Therapy is worth it. It might take time, and it will most certainly take work and intentional effort on your part, but it is most certainly rewarded in the end.
If you make an effort to show up to your work with a therapist ready to lean in, learn something, and work through any difficulties you have, your results will be greatly maximized.
The conversations I have with my therapist now are difficult and challenging, but they’re also fun, engaging, and inspiring.
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” — Brené Brown
I’m able to process the events of the week before, take a break from my life for a minute and get a birds-eye view, and then go back into my life better informed and more prepared to handle the circumstances that come my way.
The hard work of therapy, when done in the company of a qualified professional whose work is suited to your needs, really pays off.
Don’t be afraid to lean in and try it — you never know who you might become on the other side.
If you find someone who can truly serve you and your needs well, you’ll be very much making a return on investment and bettering yourself in a way not easily done in another space. Wishing you all the best!
