13 Simple Ways to Raise Happier And More Bearable Teeangers
Research-proven ways to set your teen (and your relationship with them) up for success
Teenagers are scary. They’re like little adults but at the same time, they know nothing and everything all at once. It’s, understandably, overwhelming for you as a parent.
But it’s helpful to know that it’s overwhelming for them too — and there are guaranteed ways to make the whole process easier for everyone involved.
At the end of the day, know that you and your actions matter, maybe more than ever in this transitional period for your child(ren).
What you say and how you interact with your teen will have a lasting influence on them, either positively or negatively…and I’m here to help you have the best influence you can have based on what the experts are saying.
#1: Help them pick good friends early
As your child ages, your influence over your child’s life will wane in the face of their friends. This is normal. You will naturally become less and less of a staple in your child’s life as they question how much they want to include you in their life — and that says nothing about who you are as a person.
They are going to lean toward friends who possess the qualities they themselves want to possess.
“One of the biggest achievements we can have in life is to be who we really are.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
They’re going to look to role models and peers they perceive as “cool” and popular, possessing the things they crave in both shallow and deep ways.
While I wouldn’t recommend trying to control your child and manipulate who they hang out with, as early as you can, you should help them to pick good friends.
Point them towards the people who make them feel good about themselves — who help their light shine instead of blowing their light out.
These friends will hopefully stand the test of time and at the very least, will help to show them what qualities matter and what they can look for in future friends well into adulthood.
#2: Let them sleep
I know this might seem trite or overly simplified, but so much of a teenager’s well-being is traced back to how much they sleep.
Encourage your child to slow down, rest, have boundaries between them and technology, and not stay up all night doing homework or catching up on things. This is also something you can model yourselves.
“When the going gets tough, the tough take a nap.” — Tom Hodgkinson, British Writer
Have a family bedtime or rest time, and be ready to cut back on your teenager’s activities if you notice that they’re negatively impacting their sleep.
According to the National Library of Medicine, not getting enough sleep can impact school performance and dampen motivation in all aspects of their life, making it harder for your teen to get anything done or pay attention at school.
Also according to them, “up to 40% of teens feel that they are too sleepy most of the time.” This is a threat to their growth and well-being — two things that you should be aiming to protect as the parent of a teen.
#3: Prioritize positive, not negative, incentives
“Parents should avoid harsh consequences and yelling at their teens, and work to stay calm and consistent in upholding family rules,” Shichen Fang, postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Psychology at Concordia University
You can also lean into what UCLA’s Center for the Developing Adolescent refers to as “rational demanding” (as opposed to coercive demanding/authoritarian parenting)— which essentially means that what you expect of your child is logical and relates to natural consequences.
rational demanding — “where young people are able to experience natural consequences for behaviors and are given explanations for their parents’ expectations”
If your child’s homework is done, they can hang out with friends or their significant other. If they’ve helped around the house, they get more freedom with technology that evening.
If they’ve proven to be a responsible driver, a good manager of money, and a wise selector of friends, then they get to go on that trip to the beach when they’re seventeen — granted they bring their pepper spray and call you every once in a while.
“We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching”. — Roy L. Smith
If you relate consequences and rewards to behavior in a rational way, teenagers will track with your thinking and rise to the occasion if the expectations are reasonable and you seem interested in helping them succeed.
More than anything, be on their side. You want them to have fun. You want them to have a social life. You want them to be successful in the areas that matter to them. Hold your own, but also lean in and help them thrive where they most want to, too.
#4: Stay involved and active in their lives
UCLA’s Center for the Developing Adolescents phrases it as teenagers needing parents in their lives, but having changing “avenues of influence”. As your children get older, this might mean getting into a new TV series or activity together.
One of my best friends’ families in middle school would have Marvel movie nights when their family was first getting into the MCU. This allowed for several family bonding times and conversations that would extend well into their children’s adult lives about the movies they had grown to love together.
Maybe this looks like having a Pickleball night, or all going to watch one child’s sporting event and stopping at Buccees on the way home, creating traditions that age and mature with your child.
When at all possible, let your child take the lead.
Set a budget or a parameter and let your kid decide what happens — allow them to plan the next family fun night and lead the way into your next big adventure. You could also volunteer together, learn a new skill, or travel somewhere new.
“Our research showed that parenting can change a lot during the teenage years: parents often express less warmth and affection, spend less time with their teens, and become more harsh in their discipline. Parents that were able to maintain positive parenting and involvement laid the foundation for a close relationship when their teens became adults.” — Greg Fosco, professor of Human Development and Family Studies Penn State
If they see that you’re fun and interested in spending time with them in a capacity that means a lot to them, they’ll appreciate your intentionality and probably end up having a great time with you.
#5: Don’t freak out at the egocentrism
“Egocentrism” is the term that refers to the developmental stage where teenagers find themselves and decide what they believe.
They’re becoming distinct — something that can be terrifying for a parent.
They’re not going to be exactly like you. They’re developing their own thoughts and reasoning and it’s a beautiful thing if you allow it to be.
They’re going to be more self-centered, more self-conscious, and more cognizant of perceived rejections as they step into their brand-new world.
Don’t let your child stepping into the real world and embracing that education they’ve worked so hard for be a threat to you — take it as a mark of success as a parent. You’ve helped them become their own person, and now they’re showing off.
#6: Let them challenge you, respectfully
Your child wants respect in the same way you do. That doesn’t mean they’re adults or get full reign of everything, but it does mean you should view them as more than just the small child they used to be.
Research shows that teenagers still need firm rules and boundaries. The idea here is that they’re reasonable and negotiated with your child.
One of my favorite parenting scenes ever in any movie is from Free Willy. Glenn, a brand new foster parent, walks out to the backyard to find his foster son Jessie and hands him a baseball glove.
He also asks Jessie what kind of rules he thinks he should have — turning a conversation with a 12-year-old into a brainstorm of how his life in their home should look.
“I never really appreciated just how annoying I was until I gave birth to mini versions of myself and started arguing with them when they became teenagers.” — Raising Teens Today
They come up with a few rules and Jessie very boldly asks for an allowance, which Glenn permits. You can see the way Jessie goes from defensive to slightly less defensive during the whole interaction.
He was captivated by the thought of having a say in what his relationship with his new parents would look like — and leaned in a little more when he realized he wouldn’t be living in a dictatorship.
Glenn still holds authority in the situation and pushes back against some of what Jessie says, but still makes it obvious that he wants this to work, and is willing to talk to Jessie in order to do that.
I think these kinds of conversations with your kids are important. Let them dictate the terms as much as possible. They’ll be more engaged in your family and on board with your rules if they feel they have a part in the process.
#7: Believe in their stress
Your child’s stress is real. The pressure they’re under from you, from their school, from their friends, from their jobs, from their extracurriculars, and from their sports is astronomical.
Their stress is just as real, if not more real, than your own. Remember, they don’t have all of the perspective you do as an adult.
“You’re ruining my life!” — Lizzie, Instant family
To them, everything around them is piling up all at once and if they don’t have that prom dress in time, then the world really is over. If so and so doesn’t agree to go out with them, life is ruined. If they don’t make an A on that test, they’ll never do anything right ever again.
They believe that in their soul — and sometimes parenting means getting in the trenches with them and helping them do better instead of just telling them that they’re “being silly” or “overreacting.”
“I don’t want to rule a country I just want to pass the tenth grade.” — Mia, The Princess Diaries
Help them to get some perspective when necessary, but get in the trenches with them too. What they’re feeling is real — and nothing means more than an adult looking at them and telling them that they’re trying to understand and are willing to help in whatever way they can.
#8: Let them earn responsibility over time
If your child has never given you a reason not to trust them, then trust them. Additionally, let them show off to you over time what they can be responsible for — and praise them when they take steps in the right direction.
“Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn to assert themselves, and have the opportunity to fail.” — Brené Brown
At the same time, give them the tools they need to stay safe — both literally and figuratively. Inform them of how to react if they’re approached by someone, how to stay in safe areas, how to always have their phone on them, etc.
When they take what you give them and use it well, reward them with more ways to show off their responsibility. If they take good care of their car? They get to go to more places. If they do really well at their job and make money, they can buy what they want and have more freedom.
If teens know that doing well will reward them with more freedom and a real ability to make decisions for themselves, they’ll both grow in their ability to make good choices and aspire more to do what you want them to do.
#9: Remember that your worry doesn’t make them safer
I’ve seen so many parents or friends in my life who are anxious wrecks. They worry constantly, and even after their teenagers go to college, they’re still helicopter parenting, hovering over their child’s shoulders waiting for something to go wrong.
Not only is this often not helpful at all, but it trains your child to look for and expect danger, leaving less space in their lives to thrive and figure things out themselves.
“Helicopter parenting is an unbalanced family system wherein the imbalance hampers children.”— Deepika Srivastav and M.N. Lal Mathur
Anxious parents make for anxious children — which won’t empower them for the best future possible, or for empowerment in situations where their safety might be in danger.
There’s also been research showing a link between “helicopter parenting” and lessened well-being in children, and a decrease in self-control abilities later on. Logically, this makes sense.
The primary motivation for the parent’s “hyperinvolvement” appears to stem from parental anxiety about negative outcomes that their child might face. Such parenting practices have been found to lead to greater degree of internalizing disorders not only in young children but also in middle children. Within young adults, helicopter parenting was found to be related to greater degrees of neuroticism, lower openness to experience, and greater dependency as well as reduced psychological wellbeing.” — Deepika Srivastav and M.N. Lal Mathur
If a child never makes decisions for themselves, is sheltered, and are always controlled by their parent, they’ll never learn how to stop themselves.
In the first environment where their parent isn’t there to order them around or control the situation, they won’t know how to react or how to self-regulate or stand up against peer pressure. Your worry about them won’t make them safer — empowering them and giving them information and tools to stay safe and on the right path will.
Generally, the research points to an authoritative parenting style and a high responsiveness/sensitivity level being the best approach. Have firm rules and boundaries, love your children well, and respond to what they need when they come to you with questions and concerns.
