10 Ways To Build A Better Community
The adult’s guide for making better friends
We’ve all longed for what our casual western culture will refer to as “our people.” We want a tribe, a group, a set of individuals who understand us, make us better, and show us where we should go next in our lives.
They help us through grief, they take us on adventures, and are there for us no matter what may come along next in our lives.
“There is immense power when a group of people with similar interests gets together to work toward the same goals.” — Idowu Koyenikan
But finding those people, building a rock-solid, resilient community and support system is a skill that one has to build.
And oftentimes, it’s one that is built through failure and struggle before it is built out of success. Allow my blunderings, among those of others, to guide you in some way along this humble list of suggestions:
We’re really good at using algorithms and hashtags to find our people online, but how can we shift to having real community in person and in our day-to-day walks of life?
1 || Don’t be afraid to let people go
I know, I know — this is a pretty lame suggestion to start with. And when I say “let people go”, I don’t mean fire them from your life. The key to building community isn’t about being a ruthless pruner of people you find ‘less than’. Instead, this is about discernment.
It’s about knowing who builds you up, and who you can build up, and who doesn’t and who you can’t.
“Not everyone is going to understand you, some souls just don’t align, some have never seen such brilliant stardust, some can’t handle your shine.” — Creig Crippen
If you find yourself in the company of an individual that you don’t discern you could have a better and flourishing relationship with in the future, kindly step aside and walk away.
This doesn’t mean that you never speak to them again, it just means you establish a boundary and start looking for the people that can surround you in your moments of greatest joy, pain, and hope.
Let the people who aren’t the right fit go, and wait for the people you really vibe with — I promise they’re out there.
2 || Find those who are on similar paths
While I don’t think it’s necessary to be friends and have community with only people who are similar to you, it’s nice to be in the company of people who know what road you’re walking.
It’s also an incredible blessing to have people who have walked a little ways ahead of you. They can not only illuminate the path for you, but warn you about what’s ahead and give you advice for treading well.
“Your moves will be misunderstood by those who aren’t meant to join you on your journey.” — Unknown
I think about how everyone should have a few individuals in their life in the same career, or major, and maybe similar hobbies and interests.
I’ve found some incredible relationships in people who maybe aren’t like me in too many ways, but we’re pursuing a similar career goal, research interest, or passion project.
Who knows, in the future maybe we could even build something together and create an amazing example of synergy.
3 || As cheesy as it sounds…be yourself
Okay, I know, our families and mentors have telling us this for years — but it really is an amazing piece of advice. It’s easy when we’re angling for a relationship or friendship to work out, to pick the version of ourselves that we think that person will like the most.
And oftentimes, in a way, this is us, our true selves, but it’s only a fraction of it. For whatever reason, we’re not trusting them with our entire selves.
“If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth. Then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort.” — Unknown
While this isn’t a deal-breaker or an indication that that particular person isn’t for us, it shows a concern inside of yourself that might be worth looking into.
Get to a place where you are really looking for a good, healthy, interdependent relationship, and show up as your full self, as appropriate.
You don’t have to tell them everything off the bat or be the most wild version of yourself, but make sure you’re not stowing some parts of you away in fear that they won’t appreciate them.
You’ll most likely end up cat-fishing them with your false persona, or, they might really genuinely enjoy the full you and they’re not getting to see it yet. Be yourself from the get go.
Don’t give false pretense, or be afraid of being you — the people who deserve you who will take your many sides in stride.
For me, if I can’t open up to you about my many projects, my goofy failures, the fact that I’m in therapy, my medication side-effects that I’m struggling with, or my hopes and dreams when the time is right, then I know you’re not my people.
4 || Understand that a tribe is multi-layered
They say that there are three types of relationships you should have with people. You should be friends with those below you in life (by maturity, not worth), those at the same place as you, and those ahead of you in life.
“Beauty is not who you are on the outside, it is the wisdom and time you gave away to save another struggling soul like you.” — Shannon L. Alder
I think the best strategy towards broadening your social circle, whether passively or somewhat intentionally, is to look for people in all walks of life.
In college, that looks like pursuing volunteer and work opportunities that have children as the main focus, and working at a school as a learning coach while I’m on breaks from classes.
That also means pursuing friendships with college students that are my year and in my major, as well as seniors and graduates, and the new freshman class.
I’ve also built friendships and mentorships with several older individuals in town, both empty-nesters and parents of small children.
Having this stratification of my relationships helps me to have a tribe of people with not only different skill sets, but different perspectives, insights, and offerings.
In turn, I’m able to provide that to them in various situations.
Just like you wouldn’t want to be in a tribe of people that are all the same age and all have the same level of experience and wisdom, you don’t want to walk through life without depth and diverse insight amongst your friendships and connections.
5 || Look for quality over quantity
I would much rather have three super close best friends that I spend most of my time with than a hundred acquaintances I can’t get deep with.
That was one of the first lessons that college taught me — when I was around more people the same age and life place as me than I’d ever been in my lifetime.
“Some people think they are in community, but they are only in proximity. True community requires commitment and openness. It is a willingness to extend yourself to encounter and know the other.” –David Spangler
Take the time to make friends with people that are ready to pour into you. This doesn’t mean that you should aim to only have two or three people that know you well, but it does mean that you should seek to make connections you can depend on.
In college, that’s looked like having people who I know I can call for a ride, who I can ask for something from if I’m sick and don’t want to leave my house, who are always down to clown, and go on an adventure.
And these people aren’t usually those I’ve known for years and years, or who I spend every waking moment with.
They’re simply the people who know enough about me and I have regular enough contact with that I can pour into them, they can pour into me, and we can rely each other for different things. Having about ten of these people in my college town has been amazing.
And back home, I have close family friends that are the same way, as well as several individuals from my church, both my age and older than me, who I know I can always ask for help, support, or encouragement if I’m in need of it.
6 || Be willing to take your time
Unfortunately, not everybody clicks instantly. In fact, I have several best friends now who I hope to stay in contact with forever who I did not want to be friends with initially.
There are plenty examples of people I actually thought didn’t like me, leading me to think it would never work out.
Sometimes you even have to run into people a second time to realize that those are the people you’re meant to do life with.
And after that, it takes pouring it, it takes time, it takes the awkward “so what’s your favorite color?” conversation, and so many more awkward get-to-know-you moments.
“There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time.” — Jane Austen
Just recently I met up with a friend who I met through an intramural team.
We had been close during the season and had often ridden together to games, but when we first met outside of a game or practice, at first I didn’t even recognize her with a mask on and her hair down, and then we didn’t know what to talk about.
We had removed ourselves from our context of origin and weren’t sure where to start.
We had forgotten where each other was from, had to catch each other up on what our family consisted of, and how life was going outside of our gatherings on the intramural fields every Wednesday night.
But after we put in that work, we solidified a friendship — and are now, much less awkwardly, going to be able to get to know each other and support each other in life.
7 || Don’t go into friendships expecting perfection
I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned about friendship and finding my people is that I have to have realistic standards. Sure, that sucks sometimes, but if you don’t enter in with that mindset you’re for sure going to be disappointed.
Disappointment, failure, and miscommunication are all facts of life — especially as you add more and more people to your roster of friends.
“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” — Kurt Vonnegut
But I think there’s something to do that’s much more productive than having “realistic expectations”. I think we need to be sure to include a paradigm shift.
We’re not going to get things perfectly, and neither are our friends. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have standards of vulnerability, trust, apologizing when we make mistakes, and constantly striving for the increased health of the friendship/relationships.
Don’t expect perfection, but decide ahead of time what you are going to be expecting.
8 || Look for those who understand you immediately
While this isn’t a surefire tip and no one has to understand you instantly for you to be friends, it is a really good way to find your people. Look out for the people who just get you.
And if not instantly, look for the people who started understanding you without a lot of explanation needed on your part.
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” — Mahatma Gandhi
This will not be everybody. But I think it’s good to have a few people in this category. And they don’t have to get every aspect of you. I have several people who have a lot of understanding about one category.
Maybe someone who’s also a creative writer and knows what I’m talking about when I mention writer’s block. I have one close friend who I know I can always talk about my therapist and medication with, because she’s in a similar situation in that regard.
No matter who you have in your life, I think it’s always nice to have people who can really read between the lines — who you can communicate with almost telepathically because of how much you’re on the same wave length.
Again, this doesn’t have to be, and, arguably, shouldn’t be everybody in your life, but it’s nice to have a few of these kindred spirits in your circle.
9 || Always be working on being more self-aware
I think the single most important thing in my quest to be a more connected person, has been to work on myself. As I’ve learned about my fears, my traumatic experiences, my family dynamics, my trust issues, and what I’m looking for in the people I aim to connect with, I have become a much better friend.
“Only as we are in communion within ourselves can we be in community with others.” — Parker Palmer
Beyond that, I’ve become better at finding friends. If you can’t self-regulate yourself, if you don’t have your own dreams, if you haven’t found what you want, then your relationships aren’t going to be as full as they could be.
To find your tribe, find yourself. Then, you’ll be able to find the people that compliment that and support you best.
10 || Find the people who will adventure with you
While not everyone has to be down to do the crazy things with you, if you’re an adventurer, find the people who will do that with you.
Whether that’s a creative project, going on an early morning walk, hiking a volcano at 5am, working out, running a marathon, going on a yoga retreat — heck, whatever you can come up with — find the people who will join you.
“The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers & cities; but to know someone who thinks & feels with us, & who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.” — Goethe
I think it’s always a good idea to have a few people in your life who would go anywhere with you, do anything with you, and be with you in any part of the world doing just about anything.
It’ll lead to not just a connected life, but a life with adventures, love, and the pursuit of all the good things.
I love how layered friendship is. It’s not just one thing, and I think it means something a little different to another person, which is so beautiful, special, and sacred.
As you go about continuing to build your people, as you commune with them, build up those relationships and pursue adventures and connection, I want to lead you with a Seneca quote:
“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” — Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I hope you find that today, whether it be in your friends, your family, old, or new. Wishing you the best of luck.
